Derby Names FTW

I think I've come up with the ultimate argument in the endless debate between playing under a skater name or a real name. The debate can end. Everyone go home. I won.

The argument against Derby names: All other sports (real, serious, sports) have the players play under their real name. It contributes to the realness of the activity. Somehow. Magically. It magically transposes realness onto the action of 'playing the game'. Players playing under fake names are obviously only faking the playing of the aforementioned game. All points scored and blocked are imaginary. Just like the fake names. Although all the stars of all the professional sports have nicknames. That's beside the point.

You know the only other sport people play under an assumed name? I know you do because it's the sport people always bring up when they do the sad hand-wringing about why Derby isn't taken seriously by the Serious Sports People with stadiums and season tickets and broadcast rights. 

No, it's not the Catholic church. If it was then the arguments would be marginally more interesting.

He plays under a pope name. Just sayin'.

Do I need to spell it out? Do I? I will.

Wrestling! Fake, staged, WWE, wrestling. That's why Serious Media won't take Roller Derby Seriously. Because it's like wrestling. (Not the 'ancient Greeks and Romans used to oil themselves up and roll around naked wrestling'. That's totally a real sport). WWE Smackdown Wrestling is like Roller Derby. Except for ALL THE WAYS it's totally different. Different in every single detail. 

It's nearly identical because derby names = wrestling names = real sport = staged entertainment.

That's totally roller derby

Careful! WWE might sue for copyright infringement!

By continuing the argument of taking a superficial point that has no actual bearing on how the game is played, let me bring this discussion to a perfectly logical conclusion.                  

Guess what other sport is played with the players wearing nothing except a shiny thong?

Swimming! Everyone knows wrestling is fake, wrestlers wear nothing except their underwear and a smile, swimmers wear nothing except their underwear and a smile, THEREFORE SWIMMING IS NOT A SERIOUS SPORT. OMG! DOES THE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE KNOW ABOUT THIS?

Nobody tell the ICC we've got similar costumes! It's a secret!

So go forth, my children, and next time some ignorant asshat compares roller derby to WWE as an excuse to demean and belittle our sport, to try and weasel it around like it's our fault we're ignored, if only we'd change then they would stop treating us like the athletes foot of the sports pantheon, you just point out all the flaws in their pitiful little argument and then get them up on some skates because then it's not assault, it's practice. 

Raggedy Anthrax: The Origin Story

Raggedy Anthrax grew up on the mean streets of Toyland, the black sheep of the family. While her cousins Raggedy Ann and Andy were studying at the Jigsaw Academy, Anthrax ran a stable of 'companionship' ponies and built a thriving criminal enterprise.

It wasn't long before she expanded. Soon she was dabbling in minor chemical warfare. Compound V, Glitterstim, Nuke, Soma, Spice or just pure, uncut Dust. She didn't care. For the right price Anthrax could get anything. Or anyone.

Rumors swirled over the dismembered Mr. Spice addict discovered mostly under the docks. Police investigated Anthrax, but the investigation was later dropped- due to the lead detective also being found mostly under the docks.

She earned quite a reputation in Toyland as someone not to be crossed. The rest of the goody-goody Raggedy family distanced themselves from their wayward cousin. She didn't care. By then she had a network of minions to do her bidding. Anthrax was well on her way to being the top toy in the box.

Then it all came crashing down. She got involved with the head honcho from Toontown with the promise of a big payoff- and got double crossed when it all went south. Going into business with someone that went by the handle of 'Judge Doom' turned out to be a big, almost fatal, mistake.

The Dip didn't just produce the acid trip of a lifetime, it was the last acid trip of a lifetime

Killing customers, except to send a message occasionally, is bad business. Anthrax objected- and Judge Doom turned on her! He attacked without warning, intending to wipe out his rival. Anthrax and her trusted henchmen tried to cut their way out of the ambush.

Only a step ahead of Dr. Doom's goons, Anthrax was forced to leave Toyland. She fled into the Real World and went deep underground to shake off pursuit. 

Now she walks among you, hiding among the roller girls and biding her time until she can return to Toyland and wreck holy vengeance on Judge Doom and his weasels.